A Mother's Heart

This is my first Mother's Day with my little girl!  Sometimes I find this still very hard to believe, after all of the waiting, fundraising, praying and the emotional rollercoaster called adoption.  She is here and she has been here for just over 9 months. 

I will admit that these last 9 months have been some of the hardest, amazing, trying, and wonderful months of my life.  I haven't overly admitted my true feelings to very many people because that involves being vulnerable, possibly being judged and the harsh reality of how things "really" are.

So here goes the reality, and judge if you will, but if you are not real then what are you?

Before our daughter was here I felt that I would burst with love for her, when I was handed the screeching, stiffened toddler I wasn't sure how to feel.   I don't think you can ever be truly prepared for how you will feel or react in certain situations, especially when one is in a foreign country, eating(or not eating) strange food, being handed a two year old.  Yes I know what you are thinking, "you are the one who wanted to adopt"!  I guess the only way I can describe it, is when you give birth to a baby and have the "baby blues".
You have planned, hoped for and prayed for your unborn baby, but when they arrive the ugly feelings arrive out of no where too.  It seems very unfair, horrible and of course then there is the guilt you feel for feeling the way you do.

 Well this was my reality, and it was terrifying to be in this country, not feeling like this little girls mother, but having her completely clinging to me for dear life.  She rejected anyone else, she would spit a whole mouthful of her milk drink out on a regular basis, she would have tantrums on the floor in the hotel room, and would scream if I were to move an inch without her on top of me.  Why wouldn't she?  We were complete stangers who spoke a different languange and looked completely different than anyone she had ever seen. This was my dream and I felt stressed, and sad.   I am pretty sure no one prepared me for that!  So I guess this is why I must be truthful in hopes to help another adoptive mom who may be having these feelings and to let them know that it is OK.  Yes I wanted her, yes I planned and prayed for her, but life is not a fairytale and things aren't always as you wished they were. 

This brings me to now and how we are doing.  We have come soooo far her and I.  Miss K is an amazingly smart, beautiful little girl.  I know at this point she is truly attached to us, she loves her daddy and tolerates her brothers. lol  I can honestly say that my love for her has grown and I truly consider her my daughter in every sense of the word.  Relationships take time, relationships require being vulnerable and realizing we are only human.  These past nine months we have grown as mother and daughter.  I guess like the nine months of pregnancy.  Unfortunately I didn't have the pleasure of being pregnant and giving birth to her, but I consider these last few months as delicate as the months that is required to form a baby in the womb. 

I am very thankful for my family and the way God has worked out every detail.  He knew I would have these feelings and yet he allowed me to still become this little girls mother.  I guess that is where the bigger picture comes in and He knew that I wouldn't always feel this way, He knew I would have a mother's heart for this child and that we would be OK.

So this being my first Mother's Day as a mom of 3; two handsome boys and a beautiful little girl; I can truly say I am blessed beyond measure and wouldn't change a thing.  This Mama's heart is Full!